You Betta Work!

Hélena takes a time out on her way to brunch to pose for the paparazzi so that they won't harass her during the rest of her day with Daddy. Working the camera with a limited edition plaid wool "Hubble" dress coat paired with a silk head scarf (it is an early Saturday after all), she takes a minute to reflect on triumphs and good fortune before being whisked away by her "people" to her awaiting private table at Busboys & Poets.

Where The Wild Things Are!

In this economy, we stretch our entertainment budget by dressing up Hélena in a lion costume in incessantly mocking her until she burns out and falls asleep.

Hélena Teaching The World How To Dougie

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Your Baby Can Read, But Not Like Me!

Hélena doesn't really buy into those Your Baby Can Read infomercials. Yeah, seriously. Your kid just said Constantinople? He's reading about the Ottoman Empire, right? Right. That kid said "blah" so just deal with it. Hélena on the other hand has been enjoying her book about the fawn (which was a gift from Roderica) while waiting for her french toast at Busboys and Poets. She's not reading, but she is telling her own story by identifying all of the pictures which in reality is probably more entertaining than reading the same story over and over. Knowledge is power!

How Much Horsepower Is This?

Hélena has a private car service to bring her to and from school everyday that's both stylish and eco-friendly. Now that it's getting a little chilly in the mornings, she has her blanket and sweater to make her commute comfortable and luxurious! Who's behind those Foster Grants? It's Hélena! And yes, those are in fact baby Foster Grants!

Is It Time For Cupcake Happy Hour?

Hélena continues day 2 of her J.Lo antics...yesterday she walked out of a photo shoot for school picture day and didn't return until she had some Cheerios. Obviously too cool for school, she ponders ditching today and heading to Saks with a late lunch at Cafe Deluxe. Mon cheri, your education is important so you'll have to tolerate the day amongst the Gymboree mortals.

This Is The Face of Victory!

Take that Virginia Tech! What is a Hokie anyway? Hélena bleeds purple (even though this janky Blackberry camera makes it out to be more of a royal blue) during college football season because Daddy's alma mater doesn't even have a football team. So Hélena is "MADISON, JAMES MADISON", at least until basketball season.

Offerings To The Porcelain Gods!

We have reached a new milestone in the Richardson household! The fiscally responsible Hélena has decided to redirect her parents' funds from diaper costs to shoes and cheese by learning to use the potty! The potty (also known as the "poo poo chair") has been the center of activity for about a week now with a success rate of roughly 85%. Those are pretty good odds for someone who isn't even 2 yet! Congrats and the shoes are in the mail!

Chapeau Chic

Ever since Hélena watched her idol André Leon Talley in The September Issue, she is all about taking fashion risks. Even though she probably won't opt for the A.L.T. standard issue muumuu/caftan/bedspread, she is exploring the fine art of millinery.

I'm EXTREME!!!

Hélena is anxious to get in a mountain bike ride before her afternoon nap. Come on Dadda, let's roll!

Don't Dislocate Anything

Hélena is up to all sorts of crazy as usual today. This is apparently her "jam" so she's clowning pretty hard!

Child Labor...But It's Green!

Hélena wants to ride in a big, nice hybrid so she has to wash that big, nice hybrid. Her hands are the perfect size for those nasty 20" rim spokes. Gotta stay fly when cruising with Dadda to the park!

And It Gets Crappy Mileage Too...

Hélena thought that she might make a swift getaway from The Academy this morning, but this broke down rocker isn't making it easy for her. Next time, I'd opt for more "horsepower", sweetie. I'm here all night folks! Tip your waitress and try the veal!

Wee Squeaks!

Even though Dad has called a moratorium on shoes, Hélena's Wee Speaks were technically purchased before the official decree. Check the paperwork with my lawyer!

Better To Be Feared Than Loved...On The Dancefloor!

Yes, Hélena, this is how it's going to be for the next 15 years at least. You're going to approach a young man, similar to your gentleman friend at school, and he's going to think you're insane. Don't take it personally when they're overwhelmed by your confidence and dance skills. And don't be afraid to lead. Go ahead, break it down and serve those kids!

Where Is My Agent???

Hélena has been working pretty hard at trying to keep up the family business by becoming a wildly successful artist. She hasn't discovered which media she excels at, so she's trying them all including orange paint. Where is the fame? Where is the fortune? Where are the V.I.P. tickets to the opening night of "Twilight: Eclipse"? I'm not sure how much this latest masterpiece will go for at the Sotheby's auction, but hopefully it will pull enough for another pair of Crocs.

Zoku Pops To The Rescue

Hélena has been struggling with the pain of her last molars coming in and the brutal heat of summer in DC. It seems as if her problems are solved by the purchase of the Zoku from Grandma Selena. The Zoku makes fruit popscicles with nearly any ingredient you choose in less than 10 minutes, which is not nearly fast enough for Hélena's busy and hectic toddler lifestyle. In my day, I'd have to wait overnight for popscicles! Grrrrr! The first try was a success with 2 apple juice pops in 10 minutes and Hélena approves!

Father's Day Picnic!

Hélena spares no expense when it comes to showing her appreciation to her Daddy. She planned an exquisite picnic of leek, prosciutto and goat cheese tarts, jalapeño, cheddar and chive hush puppies and peach cobbler, all served on the scenic banks of Lake Accotink. She also debuted a sundress from her exclusive Tatie Mimi collection.

This Is How I Roll

Hélena is quite popular and people are always approaching her on the street. It's come to this. She requires the protection of Dad AND Grampa Roland just to live her life like any ordinary toddler would. We see Hélena above, perusing the local "wow wows", graciously receiving complements on her afro puffs and dodging the ever persistent paparazzi, all while wearing a pair of Crocs.

Did You Take Your Meds Today?

Here is Hélena showing up all the other kids who must be in a food coma.

These aren't Christian Louboutin!

Hélena expresses her contempt that she's not able to wear Louboutins to the park on Sunday morning. Sorry baby, but they don't come in your size...YET. Until then, you'll have to settle for the Crocs that Auntie Milla gave you for your birthday. They're pink! Come on, can I get a little smile over that? Guess not.

Beauty Sleep

Hélena's travel fatigue finally caught up with her at school today.

Ground Stops? I call BS!

Hélena lived at the TPA airport play area for 10 hours yesterday and coped better than Mom. There was a little glimmer of hope that she'd get to go back to Grandma's and Grampa Sarge's for another night, but she finally made it back to DCA. She's a veteran traveler for sure!

Please Don't Let Me Catch Bird Flu

Hélena spent the morning meeting swans, geese and what appeared to be a duck with an afro. Swans may be beautiful creatures but their ugly duckling scars from childhood are still prevalent in their nasty behavior. They are the super models with bad attitudes of the animal kingdom!

Florida: Land of Naps

Hélena continuing her doctor recommended R&R with Dad in Florida...

It's Been A Rough Month!

Hélena had a battle with a nasty case of pneumonia 2 weeks ago, but she's on the mend and recuperating in sunny Florida. Hélena - 1, Pneumonia - 0. She did catch up on missed episodes of the Real Housewives of New York AND New Jersey so all was not lost during her 3 day stay in the kiddie ward at Fairfax Inova. After an additional week at home with meds and breathing treatments, she's continuing with some R&R at her grandparents' palatial estate, tucked safely in a gated community with retired neighbors such as a husky from Snow Dogs and a Bengal cat that insists on sleeping in the middle of the street.

What Cookie???

Hélena is looking really suspicious but claims that she didn't see any cookies and has no clue why we would even ask her. She said she looked exactly like this when she left the house this morning and her breath always smells like chocolate because that's the awesomeness of babies. I can't argue with that face!

Kicking Ass, Taking Names

Hélena means serious business at Versailles, dressed in action pants and chasing down pigeons. It's good to be the Queen!

Nudity Is Ok As Long As It's Not iChat

If it's iChat, you need to put a shirt on, but since it's a Blackberry, you can be a little "nakey".

Another Day, Another Pastry

Helena is suffering from acute carb overload. You can see the glazed look in her eyes...I don't know how much more she can take. Yet, she'll claw your eyes out for a macaron. Never argue with an addict.

Paris In The Springtime

Helena's expectations are running pretty high these days. She feels it's pretty ordinary for babies to stroll the boulevards of Paris in the spring. She better watch out before Karl Lagerfeld calls her out for that chunk in those skinny leggings. Those fries will get ya, but ask her if she cares!

Acting A Hot Mess In Paris!

Sorry the posts have been slow but Helena is in Paris, being fabulous and eating fries. She'll post when she can!

If You Feed It Then You Better Put A Bib On It!

I don't even know where to start with this one. The real action is at the 00:28 and 1:20 marks. Hélena has only seen the video twice at this point and it goes to show you that kids are truly sponges, no matter what they watch. No more letting her navigate on her own on You Tube!

This Bites

Miss Hélena, if I could please be allowed to quote a song from Yo Gabba Gabba, "Don't Bite Your Friends". Hélena received her first spanking from Mom yesterday to which she promptly gave the "are you freakin' serious?" look. Her full set of beautiful and highly functional teeth are being used as weapons against a parent's hand that is simply trying to keep her afro puffs from running into the path of moving cars in front of the Starbucks. No more lattes until you learn some manners, girlfriend.

She's Back!

Where in the world has Hélena been??? She had a stomach flu that spread around the house and resulted in one parental unit coming down with a nasty case of Cholera (OK, maybe it was just a flare of hemorrhagic gastritis). Everyone fully recovered in time to enjoy a beautiful Easter weekend that included a photo shoot on the Potomac. Work it!

New Kicks!

With spring here, it's time to put the Italian infant boots away, break out the sneakers and show a little chunky leg!

Hey, Those Aren't Foster Grants!

Hélena came by the office yesterday to hang out for a bit before being my designated driver for happy hour. Not only did she five finger discount my Gucci sunglasses, but she also stole my network engineer's heart. While batting her eyelashes and softly stroking his hand, she managed to get at least three french fries out of him. Nate doesn't share food, so that was definitely a feat that few can claim.

Saturday Night Fever

Hélena is making sure that this Saturday night is going to be the party to end all parties. With a pink tutu and champagne corks in BOTH hands, the only question I have is, what happened to the booze? That shady expression is not to be trusted.

Clutch The Pearls, I've Done Caught The Vapors!

Simmer down now, Blanche DuBois, your mint julep is on the way. Despite Hélena's diverse African-American, Native American and French Caribbean background, she is channeling her Grandma Selena's South Carolina heritage for some fierce southern drama tonight. Either this is some high drama or she's offended that my hair wrap doesn't match my top. Something else she undoubtedly learned from her Grandma Selena. I'll try to dress more appropriately next Saturday night, Miss Hélena.

I'll Never Need Cheek Implants

Hélena attributes her wonderful bone structure to her Cherokee/Arawak lineage. There isn't a blush in the world that can accentuate those cheek bones...that's just good genes baby! Heidi Montag can suck it because this is how you do it. My bad, I forgot she can't move her face...

It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day, It's A New Life For Me And I'm Feelin' Good!

Three weeks now with no reports from the "academy" of any new biting incidents and it's all good for Hélena, Nina Simone style. Her walking speed and accuracy have increased at an exponential rate over the last week, so no doubt that has contributed to her overall better sense of well being. Let's celebrate after school with a happy hour...organic milk and arrowroot cookies on me. I got bank like that!

Success!

Hélena has finally rebounded from 2 consecutive days of playground induced meltdowns and hopefully has begun to realize that all she has to do in life is look cute, take naps and play. We pay good money for her "academy" so I'm pleased that she is finally taking advantage of the fine resources they have to offer. She did turn down a Rice Krispies square at snack time so today wasn't without its challenges...

Boo Freakin' Hoo

Ah, poor Hélena doesn't like being outside in the 60 degree weather while Mommy is in the office being screamed at by other toddlers over 30. Tatie Mimi insists that the grief is over Daddy's failure to pack her Dolce shades in her school bag that morning. Whatever the damage was, Hélena didn't enjoy her recess at the park. Oh, she also turned down ice cream last week. Issues!

Carb loading on St. Martin

Mom, before you say anything about me needing to have a tunic on, #1 its an island and I'm covered pretty well in comparison and #2 the most important thing about this picture is the serious side eye Hélena is giving those pastries. Don't come between a carbo-holic and her breakfast.

Today was a long day...even for babies...

When Hélena comes home in her emergency yoga pants, it's been a rough day. She's ready for a double shot of organic milk which usually leads to a stand-off between her and Elmo on who has had too much to drink.

Fergie, Watch Your Back Girlfriend

Hélena does NOT play around when it comes to french fries, attention from Daddy or dance offs. Being the consummate professional that she is, you can often find her hard at work in her nursery, finely crafting her skills (so much that a onesie was sacrificed in the process - collateral damage she says). The next time you find yourself on the dance floor and the crowd parts like the Red Sea and Hélena selects you for her inevitable victim, don't say I didn't warn you. There Will Be Blood....on the dance floor!

Welcome to Chronicles Of The Spawn!

Welcome to the new home of all news about our little person of interest and professional clown, Hélena Rose! Thanks to my new doctor prescribed diet that does not allow for any booze, pizza or chocolate, I have a lot of extra time to obsessively post all of the positively exciting details of Hélena's everyday toddler experiences. You'll laugh at her Boom Boom Pow dance, you'll cry for her as her Daddy serves his organic kale and apple puree, you'll crap your pants when she's on the business end of a booster shot. Let the journey begin!